What Am I Doing?

I have no idea what I'm doing with this blog anymore. I know I've gone through SEVERAL periods of not writing and then writing after a long period, and then apologizing it, etc etc. I guess this post could be classified as one of those. But, I realize I probably should make a decision about this soon, and a firm, hard decision, for the last time. Either I blog, or I don't. 

I haven't blogged in forever because quite frankly, I haven't necessarily felt a need to share anything with anyone. Sounds cold, and almost selfish on some level. When I started writing, it was because I wanted to share a part of myself with people, and I no longer have that desire--at least my desire to share myself via this blog has waned a lot. I'm not sure why---perhaps because I haven't been as involved in music for the past few years? And perhaps that is changing---I'm getting back in to bass playing, and I've started teaching. These are WONDERFUL things, yet I haven't felt the urge to blog about them. I haven't even felt the urge to blog about the current going on's of orchestras---there are PLENTY of other bloggers out there doing it, and many of them--MOST of them, are far better writers than I. I write like this is my personal diary--most everyone else writes professionally and whatnot. Don't get me wrong, I can write professionally--I used to be a critic for a paper after all. Yet in my space, I just let myself go, and write whatever I like, however I feel like writing it. Otherwise, I can't write. It's odd, I know. 

I wish I had more motivation to write. Or at least a sense of obligation--that's what I do NOT feel at all right now. I feel obligated to write in my personal, hand written diary about my life right now. I write journal entries on a social networking site I'm active on, on a semi-regular basis as well. Then what is it about this blog, that I can't seem to be bothered to write anymore? I CARE about classical music, for sure. Just the other day I was talking to friends about the Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra, and asked them to consider making a donation for the big five million dollar goal they need to reach in a couple weeks. They had enjoyed a Happy Hour concert, and I told them if they want more of those to happen, to give the orchestra some money. I mean, I talk about this stuff to people. I talk about bass a lot--I teach it! In the past 2 weeks, I've accepted gigs with three different orchestras. I'm in the talks for a super duper secret classical music project (seriously, even though I'm a total big mouth, I have to keep it shut for this thing. If all goes well, it's gonna be the most amazing musical thing I've ever done in my life, and no I'm not exaggerating in the least. It might take years to accomplish/finish, but it will be worth the blood, sweat, and tears that it's going to take). CLASSICAL MUSIC MAKES UP MUCH OF MY LIFE. Yet the desire to write anything about it is waning. Do I need inspiration? I don't know what I need to keep writing. Or if I should stop. Or maybe I just need to FORCE myself to write again, to get me back in the habit of it or something. I really am clueless as to what to do. If I should just stop writing, and stay that way, I'll do it. But I dunno. Part of me does feel some guilt for being so wishy washy, and not writing for so long, so I need to do something to fix it/figure things out.

Any ideas? Any encouragement, either way? Feel free to say "Yes Chantal, please stop writing". I'll publish that comment, I promise! (just don't call me names or say crazy stuff like I'm stupid or whatever). Or say "get off your lazy bum and write! Make it a habit!" Or just say whatever you feel like saying. If anyone has ever been in this spot before, please chime in, and tell me how you dealt with it. Many thanks!